I've been there... And there...
And I've been there.
Ah. The long, boring stories you must have.
I have another destination for you, Tommy...
High school.
Why? I finished my education
when you were still a snot-nosed gas ball.
That sounds very dangerous.
Shouldn't I take that?
No. We have to assume the roles
of a regular human family.
Tommy's the adolescent... He'll go to school.
You'll explore being a young adult woman.
I, as the benevolent father figure,
will provide the major source of income
and give you cute nicknames.
Dick?
What is it, kitten?
What's my role in the family?
You're the brother who tries hard
but doesn't have the nerve to move out on his own,
but we love your pluck and determination.
But I can do more.
See? That's the pluck that we love.
Let's just be the warm, human family that we are.
After you.
Why are you doing that?
I've seen men do it.
Apparently women don't know how to operate doors.
Well, I do.
Oh, Dick, I've thought of a job for myself.
I can catalog the dangers
that surround us on this planet.
For example,
getting your fingers crushed in a car door.
Ow.
* hey, Mr. spaceman
why are you listening to the serpent?
Don't eat the fruit.
Women.
Dean Sumner's office called.
You parked in his space.
Yes. It's so much closer than mine.
Move it, lady!
And your sister's here.
Sally, I left you at home.
You forgot your shoes.
What's with the guy in 114?
He keeps following me and talking to me.
I think somebody has an admirer.
Great. Now can we talk about me?
Sally, are you seeing anyone now?
I'm looking at you, aren't I?
For god's sakes, he's trying to ask you on a date.
It's a perfect opportunity. You'll go.
No, I won't.
I know what's best.
Why are you treating me like this?
"This"? What am I doing?
Acting like I can't decide for myself.
One of us has to experience sex,
and I'm getting nowhere with her.
Why didn't you say so?
If sex is so important,
you and I can do it here on the desk.
Ok...
I'll leave you clampetts alone
to your banjo lesson.
"When beetles fight these battles
"in a bottle with their paddles
"and the bottle's on a poodle
"and the poodle's eating noodles,
"they call this a muddle-puddle tweetle-poodle
beetle-noodle bottle-paddle battle."
This man is a genius.
[Footsteps stomping]
If it isn't our proud little student.
What did you learn on your first day?
I'm wearing the wrong kind of sneakers,
girls only like seniors,
and, man, you can't compliment anybody in the shower.
See? And you thought you knew everything.
Sally!
You're going to be late for your date.
I just don't know what to wear.
Is this appropriate?
Yes. Very.
What do we do on a date?
I read about it. I'll walk you through.
I'll be your date!
You've got homework, old man.
So you guys get to talk about sex
while I make an aztec village out of macaroni?
This is fair.
Ok, Harry, you're Brad.
The two of you are at a romantic restaurant.
Here.
Ok. Now go ahead.
I don't know what to do.
Gaze into his eyes
the way Dr. Albright gazes into mine.
You know...
Oh, that's perfect.
Now break the ice
by telling him something personal about yourself.
Well, uh, Brad...
Once every lunar cycle,
my uterine lining sloughs itself,
thereby causing...
Whoa! Whoa! Hold it!
No, no, no. That's not...
No...
That may be too personal.
Well, it does.
One minute, I'm fine.
The next, my uterus starts throbbing...
Wah-wah-wah wah-wah-wah!
There is something to be said
for keeping some mystery in a relationship.
When do I get to touch your breasts?
Right before you die.
Fair enough.
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
* rainbows, daisies *
* snowflakes, that girl *
my boys.
[Giggling]
She swallowed a tiny monkey.
So, lieutenant, give us a full report on your assignment.
He was wonderful.
He thinks I'm wonderful.
He asked me where I'd been all his life.
You didn't tell him?
All the coordinates.
Thank goodness he didn't believe me,
so I didn't have to kill him.
What then?
Well, he wanted to sleep with me.
I wanted sex,
but since he was tired, I let him go home.
But the good news is...
He's gonna call me.
I wish I could meet a guy like that.
Come on, sport.
I'll drive you to school.
Bite me.
"Bite me" what?
Bite me, daddy.
That's better.
See you tonight, slugger.
No, you won't...
'Cause I'll be out with Brad...
Having fun.
All right.
Good job.
Let's keep it moving, Solomon.
Climb the rope.
What's at the top of the rope?
Your self-respect is at the top of the rope.
Run this by me again.
I climb up there, and then I...
You climb down.
And this gives me self-respect because...
You don't want to climb the rope,
you can go sit with the girls.
So if I don't climb the rope,
then I sit with the girls.
That's right.
Help me out here.
I'm not seeing the down side.
[Bip]
Must you make such a racket?!
Ok. You've bossed me around
for the last time.
Oh, I'm sorry I blew up like that.
[Bip]
There he is.
What goes on outside of this office
is really none of my business.
There he is.
Just because I set Sally up with Brad,
you're not obligated to tell me how it went.
There he is.
I'm not even curious.
Right there.
Sally's date...
Start talking.
In her own words, "it was wonderful."
Mm-hmm? Mm-hmm?
She over-ate, and he found her charming.
He's going to call her.
Mm. Mm.
What?
Orange juice.
Nontoxic.
Tabasco.
[Clenched teeth] Also nontoxic.
He said he'd call.
Yes, I know.
He promised. He said he'd call.
I can take more pain than all of you put together,
but right now I feel so... Icky.
Give me some pain I can define.
I'm not going to jam your hand in the toaster again.
You just can't imagine what it feels like.
It's like he reached in
and pulled all the bones out of my body.
[Sob]
My god!
What are you doing?
Apparently, I'm leaking.
Well, stop it!
All right, commander.
[Stifled sob]
Wine cooler.
I could go either way.
Lieutenant, we need to talk.
This is your fault.
I didn't want to be the woman.
You're a veteran. I thought you could handle it.
Well, I can't.
This is hard.
For goodness sake, don't...
No. No.
Please, don't.
It went so great.
Brad said he liked me.
Why won't he call?
There, there.
Ah!
Maybe he can't call.
Maybe his phone is out.
Maybe he injured himself running with scissors
or used a dry-cleaning bag as a toy.
Dick...
I've lost all feeling
in the left side of my body.
Could somebody please call 116?
Do not touch that phone.
Oh, dad?
Now what?
My teachers want to talk to you
about my attitude,
as if I have an attitude.
Just perfect.
I try to mold a family that blends in.
What do I get?
A surly teenager, a sister obsessed with a man,
and a brother who drinks too much.
Is there another family in the world like this?
I don't think so.
I can't take it anymore.
Me neither.
I've got to find out what happened to Brad.
"Induce vomiting"... There's an idea.
If anybody needs me,
I'll be in the garage...
Putting up pegboard.
Hello, Brad.
Sally.
I've come to check your phone.
Sally, please, calm down.
No, you may not maim Harry.
Find someone on the street.
Trouble at home?
No. Why would you say that?
He didn't call, did he?
Not yet.
Mm. Mm.
I just wish Sally had some women friends to turn to.
Are you asking for my help?
You offering?
I don't know if you're asking.
I don't need help.
Then I'm not offering.
Fine with me.
You can't say it, can you?
Help me!
I don't know what to do.
I can't stand to see her like this.
There. That wasn't so hard.
Then you'll help?
No.
Can't you take out and talk to her?
Nina could join you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Tonight's the night
I'm having my eyes gouged out.
Can't you reschedule it?
Put yourself in her position.
You're out on a date,
arousing stimuli fly back and forth across the table,
and then he doesn't call.
How would you repair yourself?
I'd get toasted and call him filthy names.
Great. Go do that with Sally.
You're buying.
Of course.
Oh, she's way more upset than that.
Dr. Solomon, let me be blunt.
Tommy has a problem with authority.
In gym, he refused to climb the rope.
What was at the top of the rope?
If he were my boy,
I'd warm up his little bottom.
You're the one
who didn't want him sitting with the girls, right?
He's just jealous
because I've done so much better than he has.
Nobody ever said being a father is easy.
You're telling me?
Some of you must have children...
As frightening as that thought is.
What do you do?
You need to set a good example for your son.
Since when did my son become my responsibility?
You're the ones who are falling down on the job.
You're supposed to be educating him.
Knowledge is the only chance
this planet has for survival.
One day, you'll need someone to save your collective butts,
and all you'll have to pick from are rope climbers.
Dr. Solomon, you're avoiding the real problem...
The home environment.
Of course I'm avoiding it.
It's full of crazy people.
Oh, come on, Sally.
I know you're in pain,
but holding it in won't do any good.
You've got to let it out.
Come on, open up.
Aah!
That really helped.
This can't be the first bad date you've ever had.
A couple years ago, a friend set me up
and my date turned out to be
this giant slimy yolk sac.
Yeah. I've been there.
Who hasn't?
I once dated this chemistry professor.
Dr. Abrams.
She's starting with the as.
He invited me to portage lakes
for a romantic weekend
and then just never showed up.
Did you kill him?
I don't believe in violence.
Violence doesn't do you any good.
However, a gas tank full of sugar
and a flaming bag of dog poop will.
And you take that orally?
Tommy, your teachers think I'm not acting
enough like a father to you.
You're not my father.
Well, that's true,
but I want to try to act like one.
Fine. What do fathers and sons do together?
Oh, uh... They do this.
Yes. I've seen that.
Oh. Yeah.
Excellent.
We're roughhousing.
Son.
Ha ha ha ha!
Errrgh!
This has taken a wrong turn somewhere.
I've got an idea.
We can do what the guy downstairs
does with his son.
They watch TV for 18 hours straight.
Yes. It's the classic male bonding ritual.
Oh, look.
Monday night football.
All right! Yay! All right!
What is it?
Isn't there someplace where people can have meaningless sex
with various partners?
Yes. It's called the seventies.
Well, how late is it open?
Hey. Check out the bartender.
Ooh. God's gift to women.
I hope he kept the receipt.
Get a load of the guy in the vest.
I hope he kept the receipt.
See, Sally?
You are not the problem.
Guys are jerks.
You'll just never find the perfect man.
The perfect man would have Bill Gates' money,
Jimmy smits' ass,
Liam neeson's shoulders,
Michael Jordan's thighs...
And we need a brain.
No, we don't.
Yeah, you're right.
Then he'd think like a man.
See? There's just no dealing
with the opposite sex.
Yes, the opposite sex!
I didn't do anything wrong.
It's men.
They're a completely opposite sex.
They hunt, we gather.
They sweat, we glow.
They shake, we wipe.
You!
Your sexual organs
are in total diametric opposition to mine.
So... can I give you a call sometime?
Oh, yeah. I'll be waiting by the phone.
Ha ha ha ha!
Have we poisoned her?
No. Now she's a buxom,
leggy, pouty-lipped bitch with attitude.
I think she'll do just fine.
[Doorbell]
Hello, Brad.
S-Sally.
I came here to tell you
that I understand your limitations.
I expected too much.
I'm so sorry.
All the best.
Oops.
Got your knob.
Hasn't tonight been great?
Just us boys drinking beer,
yelling like idiots,
emitting various gasses.
Oh, look.
They're doing that thing again.
Look out. Oh...
Whoa... whoa... whoa...
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
That was great.
Sally's back.
Party's over.
Thank god.
Sally, you're smiling.
You're fixed.
Because I was never broken.
I'm supposed to be this way.
I'm a woman.
Yes, and...
What kind of shampoo do you use?
I don't know.
Exactly. And do you feel the urge
to have an 8-pound screaming larva
rip its way out of your lower abdomen?
No. I think I could do without that.
You see?
You and I are
completely different life forms.
And it's just some sick cosmic joke
that we have to share a planet.
I've been thinking about your assignment.
Maybe it wasn't fair making you the woman.
I'm all right.
I can handle the mood swings,
the emotional issues, the cat calls,
the punitive underwear,
because, frankly,
when I think of the alternative...
I just have to laugh.
Mother earth.
Father time.
Lady luck.
Gentlemen's quarterly.
Daughters of the American revolution.
Son of Kong.
Fairy godmother.
The godfather of soul.
Mississippi.
Mr. sippi.